I have been wrestling with my inner voices for at least the past month. “What brought on this inner turmoil?” you might ask. Indeed, I’m thrown off by my own ambience. What has rocked my world to the point of not being able to “stuff” it and get on to other things?

Firstly, I have made a promise to myself to look at, really look at whatever seems to bring unease to my spirit. I promised to examine the feelings that arise from any experiences that come before me, whether from outside myself or from within myself. My desire is to really live in the here and now, the moment to its fullest.

About a month ago, the story broke about a slaughterhouse that showed a video taken by an undercover Humane Society investigator. As a result of this video a hundred and forty three million pounds of beef was recalled from stores and warehouses. Thousands of pounds has already been sent to our schools, for school lunch programs and fast food chains and had already been consumed.

About a month ago, an undercover Humane Society investigator released a video taken at a slaughterhouse that showed malicious abuse of the animals that happened to be cows. Cows that seemed sickly, couldn’t stand were being prodded by electrical rods, rammed by forklift blades, and were being kicked, all in an attempt to get them to stand up and get in line to be slaughtered for our food consumption. I saw the video on the news and it has haunted me. The Human Society investigator under disguise stated how hard it was for him to film this and how the screams of the animals were unnerving. It was hard enough seeing the video; I can not imagine seeing it with sound.

Some inner shift has occurred within me. On my continual life and spiritual journey I have been focusing and wrapping my thoughts around the idea, what this “Consciousness Of Oneness” in all things is about, and how it affects me. What does it mean to recognize the God Essence or Spirit in everything I see? Can I recognize God in the tree? How about in the flower, in the bird, in the cat, in the dog, in the horse, in the cow, in the pig, in the snake? Can I recognize the Essence of God in the person in front of me? Can I recognize the Essence of God in the children I care for everyday? What does it mean to me to be interconnected to all living things? What does it mean to you?

For me, it is a recognition of that which connects me with all other living things. I understand that I, as a human being, am operating on a higher consciousness and level of accountability. However, going back to the story of the cows, I recognize that they are mammals; and so, am I. I recognize that have the capacity to feel physical pain and suffer and so do I. I recognize they birth live young; they nurse, they protect and care for their young and so do I. If they have the capacity to suffer; do they have the capacity for contentment and well-being in just being…a cow? When animals are slaughtered for human consumption in an environment of cruelty and ignorance, how does this destructive vibration affect the meat; what is released perhaps into the tissues and we consume it? What is my accountability of dominion over the animals or stewardship?

This will be continued; must go.

February 14, 2008

Love.
What is love?
Some would say its outward expressions
Of balloons, flowers, candy, jewelry,
Going out to dinner, new clothing, cards, new shoes…
If I receive them not…
Am I not loved?

The expectation of “something” arriving at work
From your beloved; so your co-workers are envious of your
Obvious good fortune…You are loved!
Some, to keep in step, send themselves something
To proudly show off to their friends and co-workers.
Look, I too am loved. Someone cares about me.

Love is passionate.
Has nothing to do with material bounty.
The raw tingling of heightened awareness,
With just the imagined musing of the One
The increased racing of the heart; the heightened flaming senses
As the canvas of the body ripples and comes vibrantly alive.
Love is an awakening. Love is butterflies fluttering in stomach.

Love is the friendship you can count on.
There is no room for questioning if it’s unconditional.
It just is. You are allowed to be you without censor.
Love is laugher, talking with ease and being at ease.
Love is being at home in one’s own skin.
Love is accepting and loving myself first,
So there is the capacity to love another.
Love is recognizing what our capacity to love is.
Love is accepting what another’s capacity to love is.

Love is the measure of kindness and respect
I extend to my family first, and then my friends.
Love is listening to another with attentiveness.
It’s supportive listening. You heard me! I heard you!
It’s compassionate understanding that partners with peace.

Lens of Perception

I have been yo-yoing back and forth this week trying to come to gripes with an emotional issue. Emotional issues, they suck... The thing about emotional issues is that you never know when you’re going to get zinged. Out of the blue, a comment, a specific look, an incident, a seemingly harmless joke, causes one to stumble and fall face down in the dirt... “What does this mean?”

Did they mean? The thoughts race around my head tumbling over each other? Do they really care about me? Do they care about my feelings? Did they mean to hurt my feelings? Is it really a joke or is it a covert expression of animosity? Before I know it, I am crippled by this inward wrangling...

Now, what bought this on? A seemingly harmless picture posted on MySpace. My son who, I know, has a weird sense of humor posted a picture on my website, which, in first impression said, “I love you.” Now, my first reaction was a nurturing reflex back at him; I am feeling stroked. However, as I look at the picture it takes on a totally different image and my senses are numbed; I inwardly recoil. It’s like, when you are looking at the image of the beautiful woman and as you look she turns into the old hag. The words jumping out, saying, “I Love You” was the beautiful first impression.

Yet, as I gaze I notice the L is a long turd shaped like an L in a toilet bowl! As I gaze, I can almost smell the poop. I stare. Pictures from the past flood my mind.

I am a young child living in foster care and my foster mother is telling me, “that dog’s {her dog) stool is worth more than you.” The images, the words, the feelings of unworthiness swirl within me.

To my rescue, come the words of my writing mentors. I can hear their words in my head saying, “How can you perceive this differently?” “How can you change this?” “How can you bring healing to these memories and put them to rest?” How can you desensitize yourself from this?

Definitely, not by smiling, laughing or saying it’s o.k. when it’s not. Neither, will attempting to bury the emotional issues by compulsively overeating help.

So, I look at that long turd and I think about the miraculous working of our body; and, how if our body doesn’t eliminate its waste, we would be in medical crisis.

I think about the biography of the early childhood of a holy man, a documentary, I had seen years ago. For accuracy purposes, I will not reveal the name. The relative information of that documentary to this article is that this child’s body’s waste products were considered sacred and they were lovingly taken from him in special bowls, special linens and disposed of with the utmost reverence.

I think about how the interrelationship of nature in our ecological system helps promote a healthy environment for living and breathing.

As my mind journeys with these thoughts I feel myself relaxing; becoming calmer. I think, let this picture be a reminder to not take things so seriously. Let this picture be a reminder to not take things so personally. Let this picture remind me that I do not need to concern myself about what other people think; I am not a mind reader. I do not need to pitch a tent in negativity. Let this picture be a reminder that I am in control of how I want to respond to any given stimulus.

I thank my son for this lesson he has unknowingly dropped in my lap. I know that he loves me. I know that he would not intentionally hurt me. I know we have good communication and if he had known the impact of this image, he would not have sent it. I know that it was harmlessly sent. I know that images of bodily functions, farting, etc. are humorous to many; however, I think it’s mainly a guy thing. I know of a father who has farting contests with his son, much to the chagrin of the mother. Like I said, it’s a guy thing.

I truly see the picture differently; however, I can honestly say, I still don’t like it. Not because of imagined blows to my ego. No. It doesn’t fit my esthetic vision of MySpace. Or maybe it does. It could be a reminder that no matter how harmoniously I might be experiencing my day, a little poop might fall!

However, I will keep this as a reminder to continue to live to the max, laugh, and love.

I have found that writing really helps me to connect with myself. It helps to bring healing to hurtful memories, understanding to present situations, and. it brings clarify to my thoughts.

I give thanks to the Universal One God, who has sustained me through much.

I also give thanks to my writing friends who support me in widening my circle of readers. I have grown within the cocoon of their compassion. I have learned more about courage from them as they have shared from their wounded pasts. I have seen the incredible works they have done to become whole. I have learned we can be broken in many scattered pieces and we can be put back together again. I have not always believed that. I believe there are various paths to achieve this endeavor, this personal journey of striving for wholeness.

Aaah, a month late in musing about this coming new year and what I want to see in this new year!

I will see myself at my goal weight this year. I will be there in August of 2008!!
I see myself...I am at my ideal weight and I am in vibrant health! Yes!

I am going to use this blog to write about my journey getting there. I will write and I will reacquaint myself with myself! I am looking forward to this journey. It will be an awakening!

I will use this space to ponder, wonder, and come full circle to an understanding of myself; and who am I really? Who would or do I want to be?

This is my personal journal; it probably will have value only to me.

I wish myself a Great New Year!!

Battling Demons & Ghost of Past

By accident did the previous post, post. I wan't ready, actually I was just getting started and the next thing I know it was posted! So here goes try nuber 2.

This blog is going to take me on a very personal journey. A journey for me to move towards healing and wholeness once and for all. It's a journey about weight release and facing the hidden snares waiting to entrap me. I am ready to digg, uncover, and face whatever. When scared, or feeling unworthy, or trying to dodge depression I eat. I am a compulsive eater. The more I eat, the bigger I get, the more worthless I feel. This blog is for me. Truth will set me free. The cacoon of fat will fall off and the most beautiful butterfly will emerge. Beauty felt inside and out.

Well, here goes.

From out of nowhere
Comes push that...
Unexpectedly plunges into the well.
Mouth opens up and devours me.
Slipping, sliding, tumbling head over heels,
Wildly flailing arms, fingers grabbing, nails bloodied.
Ragdoll torso plunging into bottomless depth.
Despair.
Blackness.

How came I to be downcast?
I will look.
I will write often.
I will keep up.
I will love myself to victory.

My Faith, My Angels, My Spiritual Guides
Walk beside me and encourage me.
I will NOT forget that they are with me.

Unexpected plunge into well

Commonality

My eyes skip over the gathering
of perspective writers to be.

Our expectations?
What brought us here?

So different,
Yet, commonality we share.

We Bathed
Showered,
Brushed Teeth,
Rearranged Hair,
Breakfast anyone?
Coffee or Tea?

Blue jeans seem the common uniform
With shirts of nonconformity,
Blouses of independence,
Pants of impatience,
Wanting to move, stretch, walk
Even sway or dance,
But not yet,
Concentrated gathering of bodies
bunch into assigned space.

Our expectations?
What gifts to we hope to receive?
What roped us in?

Where will my star rise?
In Storytelling?
A Script Writer?
Poetry?
Memoir?
Where will I fit?

Patience.
Just be in the moment.
Experience this and the exercises
To the fullest.
Just let go and go with the flow.
Allow your words to tumble out,
No matter where they take you.
Be fully present.

"The Power Of The Word"

Ah, Words...
Can swell my chest...
Bring a wide toothy grin...
Sparkle to the eyes
An erectness of body.
Mmmmmm shoulders back,
Head held high...
Posture in alignment
Of acceptance.
Steps lively,
Energized.

Ah, Words
Can round my shoulders
Deflate chest, sunken in
Head bowed
Eyes downcast
No dancing lights
Posture caved in
Shuffling, timid feet.

Aah words,
Don't ever let me underestimate
The Power of The Word.

Written Wednesday, Nov 15, 2006

I just had to interrupt my blogging about my Ct. visit to write about the storm that came through last Wednesday afternoon. I was definitely experiencing it, in the now and want to share it.

Were you able to watch the storm come in today?

I was writing snail mail to my family back in Connecticut. My laptop is facing a window that allows my vision and space to expand to the outdoors. I can nestle back into my high back chair, squint my eyes, view the outdoors, and slip in a few power naps while the children sleep. As I gazing out the window, feeling myself relaxing, I suddenly notice the grayness of the day is changing; a storm is coming in.

The first sign that a storm is approaching is the wind.
I watch the trees begin their dance from my window.
It is as if they are joining limbs and curtsying,
Then majestically up and swaying to a rhythm
Only they can hear!

The panoramic view of the trees
from the window
is a mystical experience.

In my neighbor's yard is a huge cedar.
It's swags of green are gracefully
rising and swaying, beyond my upward vision.
It seems adorned in a grass skirt
It's a moving wave of beauty and grace.
I feel excitement rise within me!

From my seat,
inside, looking out...
They seem to beckon me
to come and dance with them.