LOSS

I am going to write during the next few blogs of mine about loss. I am struggling within and through the writing I hope to find a higher ground, to raise my energy to embrace and walk through whatever challenges might cross my path on this my life journey.

About two months before the weekend of the "Writing Life" with Jennifer Lauck workshop I had been going through some emotional issues that were vague to me because I was trying to "stuff" them. The workshop slowed me down and created the safe space to allow these issues to emerge and be named.

I had been struggling with my sister's diagnosis of breast cancer; the news was received while I was shopping at Costco. My sister lives in Connecticut. I was in Costco, December 2005, when my cell phone rang. By the time I had dug it out of my purse, it had quit ringing; however, I saw the name and number belonged to my sister, Sandra. Costco was too noisy for me to call her right back; however, I made a mental note that I would call her when I got to my car because the thought ran through my mind that, " she never calls me on my cell; this must be important."

When I was done with my shopping and had the groceries loaded, I called her before starting up the car. Something must be going on in the family for her to call me mid-day and especially on my cell phone.

Me: "Hi Sis. Saw that you called; I'm at Costco. It was too noisy in there for me to hear you so I'm calling you from my car."

Me: "So, what's happening?"

Sandra: "I have been dignosed with breast cancer." Her voice broke as she continued.

She commensed to tell me about the diagnosis; the treatment; the operation to come. Dates for starting this treatment and ending treatments etc.... etc....

I heard nothing, beyond the word "Cancer" with a capitol "C."

My mind was flooded with images of friends and family that had succumbed to cancer since my childhood. My heart was pounding; it was December, I hadn't started my car, yet, I was perspiring. As a child, the only thing I knew that people died of was cancer. As a child, I empowered that word, and the word cancer had the power to immobilize me. I was frozen.

I heard my sister softly crying.

Then, I heard my voice:

"Don't worry Sis"

"The technology of today is phenomenal"

"Your going to beat this thing."

Out of my mouth fell words of encouragement, that I didn't really feel. I was too scared. Remember the old fashioned mouse trap with the spring action clamp; I felt as if my heart had stumbled into one; it couldn't pump; I couldn't breath.

She is the sister I am closest to. There were seven of us siblings; we were raised in three different foster homes. The sister, that was in the same foster home as I, committed suicide in her early thirties. Hmmm another story, another time.

I had to call my sister the following day with pad and pen ready to take notes. I told her, I didn't hear anything beyond the word "cancer" so, " please repeat back to me her regiment of treatments so I could be sure to pray and send lots of healing energy her way.

On a deeper level, I'm terrified of losing her.

I talked to my sister this morning and she's sounding great. Her voice has returned and I could hear and feel her energy is up. She's laughing and telling stories. I am looking forward to going to Connecticut next month and being with her.